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Addicted to abusive relationships

Addicted to abusive relationships

In any addiction, whether it’s alcoholism, dependency on drugs, shopping excessively, working every waking hour, exercising obsessively (the list is endless) there is a causal factor, a need to explore the new experience, a total disregard for the negative effects of the addiction and finally a total dependency on it to the detriment of everything else. It is the same with addiction to toxic relationships.  

For the purpose of this article, the abuser is male.

 

The Cause:

 

The way that a person looks at their world is the result of years of their own childhood development, their life experiences, their actions and reactions to these and the short and long-term impacts of this. The attitudes and perceptions that are borne from this process are crucial to the person they are to become and how they make their way in the world.

 

For example, a young child growing up in a domestic abuse situation is experiencing aggression, shouting, arguments and drama maybe on a regular basis. These are the building blocks of this child’s life and while they are learning to survive in such an environment their normal childhood development is being ignored. This is their “normal” and a pattern has been established for future relationships to come.

 

This individual could develop mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, low self- esteem and self- worth, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts and so on. Any manner of coping mechanisms/ addictions could develop from here.

 

The Coping Mechanism:

 

As a person grows up and becomes less dependent on their parents/ guardians they start making their own way into the outside world. They make friends, colleagues, fellow students and neighbours part of their social circle.

 

Peer pressure can be very powerful as a young person establishes their identity and rebels against their parents.

 

This exploration could involve ignoring their well-being, exhibiting risky behaviour and endangering others. Their vulnerability and distorted thoughts about themselves all contribute to their new addiction.

 

For example, a young woman who has grown up in a chaotic household may be attracted to dangerous and violent men. Even though the violence and aggression are uncomfortable for her it is also familiar.

 

The highs and lows of this way of living will prove to be addictive and what she craves when she starts looking for a partner.

 

The intensity that she is used to – the intense lows counteracted by the intense highs is like a drug to her, and she is addicted!

 

The Denial:

 

Using alcohol addiction as an example for the purposes of comparison with abusive relationship addiction, there will be a cause, a level of distress making someone vulnerable to addiction and the opportunity to experience it.

 

The choice of addiction is pleasurable to start with, a drink or two a week turns into many drinks a night which starts affecting their health, relationships and job. The longer it goes on the less pleasure is experienced so the drinking increases to achieve the same effect.

 

In an unhealthy relationship, what used to be exciting and loving turns into arguments and physical fights.

 

Emotional and physical harm will occur more and more as time goes on. This is tempered by the woman’s self- blame and shame and she will do anything to get back to how the relationship was at the beginning – she wants that intense high back!

 

She starts to make excuses for him, minimises and normalises his behaviour. If she is challenged by someone close to her she totally denies that this relationship is anything but unhealthy. This can cause difficulties between family members and friends where there were none before. However, this denial continues due to the addiction to him.

 

The Dependency:

 

Just like a drug an abusive partner will isolate his girlfriend from any support network that she may have had. Ties are cut with any friends or family members that have proved to be a threat to the continuation of the relationship by psychological means or threats. Her social circle is virtually non-existent meaning she is totally dependent on him.

 

She stays with him as she loves him and thinks he will change for her. She is totally preoccupied with keeping him happy to the detriment of her own happiness and well-being (or anybody else’s). She will be a better partner to him and he is everything to her, she can’t live without him.

 

This cycle of loss is mirrored in the alcoholism example where the habits of the alcoholic has lost them friends, family and their job. But the drink is all they can think about, they’d rather have a fridge full of booze than that of food. The budget is planned around keeping themselves supplied with it and they can’t go without it, that thought is unthinkable.

 

The Highs:

 

In the beginning of the toxic relationship, everything is good and pleasurable. The connection that is felt between the couple is very strong emotionally and physically, nothing can part them.

 

It goes from 0 – 60 within a very short space of time evoking strong emotions very quickly. The endorphins are highly active, feelings of elation and happiness are plentiful and there is hope that this will never end. However, it most undoubtedly will!

 

The Lows:

 

The mask starts slipping, the abuser has his prize and the tendencies towards aggression and control start appearing.

 

As time goes on this side of him comes out more and more and she starts recognising the signs. It is an intensely low time, with aggression and violence becoming a normal part of this relationship. Where there was elation there is now despair that this will never end.

 

The intense high for her has been replaced by a constant state of alert with adrenaline surging through her body on a regular basis, which is exhausting!

 

The Crux:

 

While there are many reasons why someone stays with their abusive partner the intensity that comes with being with such a person is addictive.

 

The range of emotions are extreme– a partner who is stable seems to be a safer alternative but lacks the exciting factor that some people look for in a relationship.  However, the physical and emotional damage is being caused which will only get worse as time goes on.

 

Acknowledging this is the first step towards recovery.

Nicholas Conn / 14th March 2018/ Posted in: Latest News

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Detoxification (detox) is the medical intervention required for someone who is physically dependent to drugs or alcohol. If required, medical detoxification would be the first step taken in residential rehab. Detox is used to prevent uncomfortable and dangerous (even fatal) withdrawals symptoms resulting in suddenly becoming abstinent from alcohol/certain drugs.

The goal of a medical detox is to aid in the physical healing required following long term addiction and rid the body of all together of substance whilst providing a cushion for unpleasant symptoms of withdrawals. Detox is not considered the whole treatment for drug/alcohol addiction and it is always recommended that a comprehensive rehabilitation program is used along side to help maintain long term abstinence.

Medication is often required for alcohol detox. If you are dependent on alcohol and experiencing withdrawal symptoms it is vitally important to seek medical advice prior to stopping. There is a long list of medications used when treating alcohol addiction and the exact medication given to an individual will depend on their needs/medical history. Some of these include;

  • Chlordiazepoxide (Librium)
  • Lorazepam (Ativan)
  • Diazapam (vailium)


Librium and Valium are the most commonly used detox medication in the UK. All medication used to help with alcohol detox have been proven to help reduce the effects of withdrawal symptoms.

There are also a number of drugs recombined by the NHS to help treat alcohol misuse. Some of these include:

  • Naltrexone
  • Disulfiram (Antabuse)
  • Nalmefene
  • Acamprosate (campral)

Medication is always required for heroin detox. For someone suffering from heroin addiction, the thought of detoxification (detox) can be exceptionally daunting. Withdrawal symptoms from opiates, such as heroin, can be severe and include pain, vomiting, nausea and shaking.

There are different ways that heroin detox can be carried out, most usually either ‘maintenance therapy’ or ‘full medical detox’.

Attempting to switch from heroin to a heroin substitute, usually on a controlled prescription, is known as Maintenance therapy. Subsites used are most often methadone or buprenorphine.

A full medical detox from heroin will always be carried out in a residential rehab setting and will allow the individual to switch form heroin to a substitute and slowly withdraw completing treatment free of all substances. Someone using a heroin substitute can choose to have a full medical detox at any time, however detoxing substances such a methadone can often add to the length of detox required. Drugs most commonly used to fully detox from heroin are, Subutex, Suboxone and Methadone. Much like alcohol, the exact drugs used will be dependent on the individuals needs/medical history.

Once detoxed from heroin the risk of overdose is much higher following relapse due to tolerance following withdrawal.

The length of treatment in a residential rehab depends on a number of elements. Some substances require longer periods of detox than others.

Private paying patients will also often choose a length of stay that suites their therapeutic and financial needs. As a rule, a full treatment program in a rehab is considered to be 28 days (often referred to as a month), however, treatment is offered in several different ways and lengths starting at 7 days.

Treating alcohol addiction will always require a minimum of 7-10 days, this would be considered the detoxification (detox) faze. The length required for treating drug addiction can vary drastically depending on the substance being used. Detox for Heroin addiction is generally around 14 days minimum, with more time required if substances such a methadone are being used. Treating prescription drug addiction can often take the longest. The time required for treating gambling addiction, eating disorders and sex addiction will be based on the individuals needs.

Rehab programs can be as long as an individual requires but primary treatment is normally caped at 12 weeks, with the offering for further secondary and tertiary treatment thereafter.

*based on average rehab stays, everyone will vary dependant on needs and medical requirement/history.

There is no need for your employer to know that you are seeking help for trauma and addiction unless you choose to involve them with the process. All employers should have a policy that explains what you do if you cannot come to work due to illness – illness to include treating alcohol addiction/treating drug addiction.

If your work absence extends over 7 days your employer is likely to require an official statement of fitness to work which would be obtained from your GP. This would need to supply evidence of your illness as well as any adjustments required for returning to work, fazed return or reduced hours, but does not need to specify in detail the reason why you have been absent.

If you are absent from work for 7 days of less, for example entering rehab for a detoxification (detox) on a Saturday for 7-10 days taking a full week away from work, you can self-certify your illness by letting your employer work you will not be attending work for that period of time. Exactly how an individual would do this would be dependent on a specific companies’ policies on taking sick leave.

Any time longer than 7 days it is likely an employer will require a note from the individuals GP certifying their sickness and a fit note on return. Most companies have a clearly outlined policy on sickness and receiving sick pay so the exact requirement can vary. A rehab will always be willing to advise on time off work.

How much does rehab cost is a very frequently asked question. The cost of treatment can range from £1,000 per week upwards depending on the place, with luxury rehab being the most expensive.

There are free options available on the NHS but the waitlist of those looking for free treatment is longer than that for privately paying patients. Some private health insurance policies will cover treatment in some rehabs around the country.

Choosing the right rehab centre will often be based on priced but it is important to follow guidance on the most suitable treatment centre for an individual’s needs which our expert team of advisers are on hand to offer.

There are certainly pro’s for both treatment near by and traveling for treatment with one of the most asked question being should I get rehab near me? There are rehabs all over the UK and around the world that all offer expert programs, let’s look at how to choose a rehab.

Local treatment

Being close to home gives certainly has benefits. Visitors are normally permitted in rehab following the first 7 days stay, therefore if an individual is in treatment for a length of time longer than that being local will make it easier for loved ones to visit.

Most rehab centres will also provide a full aftercare plan for someone following treatment, this will include ongoing aftercare in the specific treatment centre. Living close by can make it easy to take full advantage of ongoing aftercare. There can also often be the option for ongoing care with an individual therapist, again being close by will allow that treatment to be carried out face to face.

Some individuals wish to be local but are willing to look broader, for instance the greater city of residence (London, Manchester, Liverpool, etc)

Treatment Away

Getting treatment away from home can be very appealing to some. Being out of the local area makes it a lot harder to just walk out of treatment as resources locally are unknown. Some also take comfort in knowing that they are not near home and focus more on treatment.

As the price for treatment can vary so much from one residential treatment centre to another, private paying patients often would rather travel to keep the cost down. Those using private health insurance may also have to travel to find a treatment centre covered in their policy.

When opting for treatment away from home this can be anywhere in the UK and also abroad. Aftercare can still be carried out and very successful using tools such as The Online Rehab.

There is no right or wrong when choosing where to go to residential rehab, but our expert advisors are always on hand to help provide information on all possible options.

Whilst millions of people in the UK have taken recreational drugs (amphetamine, cannabis, cocaine, crack, crystal meth, GHB, heron, ketamine, methadone, and prescription drugs) and drank alcohol not all become ‘addicted’. Most recent reports show that 279,793 individuals were in contact with drug and alcohol misuse services in the last year with over half of that being from opiate addiction and a quarter for alcohol.

There are several risk factors invoiced in addiction and those using drugs and alcohol socially, simply take the risk. These risks are as follows;

Tolerance – basically, if a substance is used repeatedly an individual’s tolerance to it will build. This will result in more of the same substance being required to get the same effect. In the long run this can easily lead to addiction and physical dependencies.

Environmental risks – these can include influences such a peer pressure and stress as well as physical or mental abuse of an individual (particularly as a child). Overall, those who live with frequent pressures and stress are more likely to reach for a substance to cope and are therefore at higher risk of becoming addicted.

Drug type – it is very well known that certain drugs are simply more addictive than others. Using substances such as heroin increases the risk of becoming addicted for need to ‘chase’ a high as well as physical dependency.

Drug administration – how a drug is administered can affect its addictive qualities. A drug injected rather than smoked or snorted will release a quicker and more intense high thus making it psychologically (and in many cases physically) more addictive.

Biological factors – it is now widely reported that being an addict is not only psychological but also biological. This includes your genetic makeup, mental health, sex and age. It is also reported to be 8 times more likely for the child of an addict to become an addict themselves.

Its believed that addiction is approximately half genetics and therefore some are 50% more likely to become addicted than others.

How do you help a loved one trapped in addiction?

The first step is to help and encourage the individual to become willing to accept help. They do not need to be shouting this off the rooftops, but they do need to be willing to go into treatment. There are ways to help someone become willing to get treatment for alcohol or treatment for drugs.

Set boundaries – set boundaries and stick to them. Once you have laid them out follow through with whatever consequences you have set however hard it is.

Stop finances – if you are financially supporting someone stopping these finances can be the quickest way for the addict needing to ask for help. With no money to acquire a substance an addict’s options become very limited.

Intervention – getting together with other family members/friends/colleagues and staging an intervention is often very successful in the fist stage of acceptance and gaining an admission to residential rehab.

You can’t make them quit, this can lead to dangerous withdrawal. Boundaries are very important in helping someone become willing to get help. Unfortunately you cannot do someone’s recovery for them and without self-motivation it is very hard to make it work.

The next step is to call our highly trained advisers 0203 955 7700.

There is a huge range of rehab options available and where to start can be completely over whelming so let us help.