Give Shame A Name

Give Shame A Name

Conditional Love

Remember that time you were last engaging with that feeling, the one that made you feel so small, so pointless, so bad, so worthless. Where were you, your power, your true positive sense of self-worth, when that feeling was happening to you?When we found ourselves feeling these feelings it’s often because of a very toxic emotional called shame. Shame goes back to something you have experienced as a child from the people in our lives that we needed and as a result, we learnt unconsciously that it was better to please them. Ideally, parenting offers a child or infant unconditional love which means we are still valued and loved regardless of what we do. The more we sense this kind of love as a child the more we grow up to feel worthy and accepted just for who we are.

Parenting is a challenging role and the reality of the permanent demands to be an unconditional supporter for our children is sometimes to much. In the real world, even the most loving and supportive parents struggle at times to hide their demands and expectations of their children and this leads to unconsciously communicating to their children conditions of love and worth.


Creating The Emotional Time Bomb

Think back to when you were a child, to a memory of when someone such as your parents communicated, through their response, but even more significantly through the feelings they expressed, their disappointment in you. How sad did that feel? An example might be a show of emotion. Imagine this scenario a mother hears her child crying because they are tired, it’s gone on and on and now, for the mother, she can’t handle it anymore. In a moment of frustration she screams out “ just be grateful I love you, stop your ridiculous crying” the mother, most likely not meaning to communicate her rejection of her child, to him, has just passed on a very powerful and painful message, that is transported deep into the child’s psyche, that crying is shameful and is worthy of rejection, this can be so powerful that it becomes deeply internalised and lies within the unconscious like a time bomb ready to be triggered later in life in any situation that resembles the experience of being chastised by mother for crying .

As a child, we are not always aware of how we can sort things out, how we can change. We don’t have the same resources or internal tools to manage our behaviour. As a child, we have a lot less power and are deeply reliant on our primary caregivers for our survival. We know as children, somewhere deep inside us, that if we are not loved then we will find it hard to thrive, maybe even survive. When, as a child, we are shamed by our parents, intentionally or unintentionally, we are sort of hit with a deep psychological bullet that goes deep within us and can give us the message that we are not wanted. The only way we can change this is to change ourselves and if we don’t we won’t be cared for anymore. Although so many of us have shamed others, our children included, it is a form of serious psychological abuse.It is abusive because the adult has power and children don’t. Children are reliant on the powerful adults to not abuse their power. This abuse of power can happen when a parent or carer has got to a point where they need their child to be in a certain way for them to be happy and the only way they can feel they can achieve this, at the time,  is to assert their power over the child and make them feel very small and not important. Unconsciously it might be that the adult knows how dependent the child is on them and that suggesting to them that they are not worthy, in the parent’s eyes, then gives the parent a lot of emotional control over the child.


Addiction and Shame

The power of shames emotion on us can go so deep within our psyche that it ripples out into adult life and we can easily be re-triggered when someone later in life suggests we should be ashamed of ourselves. Many people who are dealing with addiction often also have to deal with other people in society, consciously or unconsciously, shaming them. This shaming is often subtle, so subtle that for many on the receiving end it just becomes internalised and adds fuel to the ongoing obstacles a person in recovery from addiction has to face.


Showing Shame The Door

If however shaming and shame can be identified from either the person who is shaming or from our own internal feelings of shame, then it can also be separated from us and it’s potential to demand from us to hold it and carry it. Often shame on each individual has a secret backdoor that allows itself to us. For example one person may have experienced painful message from childhood that their temper tantrums were too much and a reason for their parents to wish they did not exist, the feeling of shame may then enter into that person, later in life, through their feelings of inadequacy over having any internal feelings of anger or expressing this anger, this would be the secret back door.   By identifying what it is in our lives that triggered our feeling of shame, maybe what was at the root of them, with the memories and feelings around them, we can then understand that the feelings were from the past, and understood from a child’s perspective and in many cases distorted. A child does not have the rational to work out that they are worthy and it’s their parent who are projecting their inability to handle the situation onto their child. As an adult, we can do this. If we identify where our current feelings of shame come from,  how the shame creeps into us through our own insecurities hidden in the internal messages we received as a child, then we can start to separate the toxic affect shame still has on us today. This is often a process that takes time and can be explored in counselling or psychotherapy. However becoming aware of this whether in therapy is not is an important part of becoming empowered again in adulthood and often a significant step on the road to recovery from addiction


Penny Wright

Nick Conn / 15th May 2018/ Posted in: Latest News

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    Detoxification (detox) is the medical intervention required for someone who is physically dependent to drugs or alcohol. If required, medical detoxification would be the first step taken in residential rehab. Detox is used to prevent uncomfortable and dangerous (even fatal) withdrawals symptoms resulting in suddenly becoming abstinent from alcohol/certain drugs.

    The goal of a medical detox is to aid in the physical healing required following long term addiction and rid the body of all together of substance whilst providing a cushion for unpleasant symptoms of withdrawals. Detox is not considered the whole treatment for drug/alcohol addiction and it is always recommended that a comprehensive rehabilitation program is used along side to help maintain long term abstinence.

    Medication is often required for alcohol detox. If you are dependent on alcohol and experiencing withdrawal symptoms it is vitally important to seek medical advice prior to stopping. There is a long list of medications used when treating alcohol addiction and the exact medication given to an individual will depend on their needs/medical history. Some of these include;

    • Chlordiazepoxide (Librium)
    • Lorazepam (Ativan)
    • Diazapam (vailium)

    Librium and Valium are the most commonly used detox medication in the UK. All medication used to help with alcohol detox have been proven to help reduce the effects of withdrawal symptoms.

    There are also a number of drugs recombined by the NHS to help treat alcohol misuse. Some of these include:

    • Naltrexone
    • Disulfiram (Antabuse)
    • Nalmefene
    • Acamprosate (campral)

    Medication is always required for heroin detox. For someone suffering from heroin addiction, the thought of detoxification (detox) can be exceptionally daunting. Withdrawal symptoms from opiates, such as heroin, can be severe and include pain, vomiting, nausea and shaking.

    There are different ways that heroin detox can be carried out, most usually either ‘maintenance therapy’ or ‘full medical detox’.

    Attempting to switch from heroin to a heroin substitute, usually on a controlled prescription, is known as Maintenance therapy. Subsites used are most often methadone or buprenorphine.

    A full medical detox from heroin will always be carried out in a residential rehab setting and will allow the individual to switch form heroin to a substitute and slowly withdraw completing treatment free of all substances. Someone using a heroin substitute can choose to have a full medical detox at any time, however detoxing substances such a methadone can often add to the length of detox required. Drugs most commonly used to fully detox from heroin are, Subutex, Suboxone and Methadone. Much like alcohol, the exact drugs used will be dependent on the individuals needs/medical history.

    Once detoxed from heroin the risk of overdose is much higher following relapse due to tolerance following withdrawal.

    The length of treatment in a residential rehab depends on a number of elements. Some substances require longer periods of detox than others.

    Private paying patients will also often choose a length of stay that suites their therapeutic and financial needs. As a rule, a full treatment program in a rehab is considered to be 28 days (often referred to as a month), however, treatment is offered in several different ways and lengths starting at 7 days.

    Treating alcohol addiction will always require a minimum of 7-10 days, this would be considered the detoxification (detox) faze. The length required for treating drug addiction can vary drastically depending on the substance being used. Detox for Heroin addiction is generally around 14 days minimum, with more time required if substances such a methadone are being used. Treating prescription drug addiction can often take the longest. The time required for treating gambling addiction, eating disorders and sex addiction will be based on the individuals needs.

    Rehab programs can be as long as an individual requires but primary treatment is normally caped at 12 weeks, with the offering for further secondary and tertiary treatment thereafter.

    *based on average rehab stays, everyone will vary dependant on needs and medical requirement/history.

    There is no need for your employer to know that you are seeking help for trauma and addiction unless you choose to involve them with the process. All employers should have a policy that explains what you do if you cannot come to work due to illness – illness to include treating alcohol addiction/treating drug addiction.

    If your work absence extends over 7 days your employer is likely to require an official statement of fitness to work which would be obtained from your GP. This would need to supply evidence of your illness as well as any adjustments required for returning to work, fazed return or reduced hours, but does not need to specify in detail the reason why you have been absent.

    If you are absent from work for 7 days of less, for example entering rehab for a detoxification (detox) on a Saturday for 7-10 days taking a full week away from work, you can self-certify your illness by letting your employer work you will not be attending work for that period of time. Exactly how an individual would do this would be dependent on a specific companies’ policies on taking sick leave.

    Any time longer than 7 days it is likely an employer will require a note from the individuals GP certifying their sickness and a fit note on return. Most companies have a clearly outlined policy on sickness and receiving sick pay so the exact requirement can vary. A rehab will always be willing to advise on time off work.

    How much does rehab cost is a very frequently asked question. The cost of treatment can range from £1,000 per week upwards depending on the place, with luxury rehab being the most expensive.

    There are free options available on the NHS but the waitlist of those looking for free treatment is longer than that for privately paying patients. Some private health insurance policies will cover treatment in some rehabs around the country.

    Choosing the right rehab centre will often be based on priced but it is important to follow guidance on the most suitable treatment centre for an individual’s needs which our expert team of advisers are on hand to offer.

    There are certainly pro’s for both treatment near by and traveling for treatment with one of the most asked question being should I get rehab near me? There are rehabs all over the UK and around the world that all offer expert programs, let’s look at how to choose a rehab.

    Local treatment

    Being close to home gives certainly has benefits. Visitors are normally permitted in rehab following the first 7 days stay, therefore if an individual is in treatment for a length of time longer than that being local will make it easier for loved ones to visit.

    Most rehab centres will also provide a full aftercare plan for someone following treatment, this will include ongoing aftercare in the specific treatment centre. Living close by can make it easy to take full advantage of ongoing aftercare. There can also often be the option for ongoing care with an individual therapist, again being close by will allow that treatment to be carried out face to face.

    Some individuals wish to be local but are willing to look broader, for instance the greater city of residence (London, Manchester, Liverpool, etc)

    Treatment Away

    Getting treatment away from home can be very appealing to some. Being out of the local area makes it a lot harder to just walk out of treatment as resources locally are unknown. Some also take comfort in knowing that they are not near home and focus more on treatment.

    As the price for treatment can vary so much from one residential treatment centre to another, private paying patients often would rather travel to keep the cost down. Those using private health insurance may also have to travel to find a treatment centre covered in their policy.

    When opting for treatment away from home this can be anywhere in the UK and also abroad. Aftercare can still be carried out and very successful using tools such as The Online Rehab.

    There is no right or wrong when choosing where to go to residential rehab, but our expert advisors are always on hand to help provide information on all possible options.

    Whilst millions of people in the UK have taken recreational drugs (amphetamine, cannabis, cocaine, crack, crystal meth, GHB, heron, ketamine, methadone, and prescription drugs) and drank alcohol not all become ‘addicted’. Most recent reports show that 279,793 individuals were in contact with drug and alcohol misuse services in the last year with over half of that being from opiate addiction and a quarter for alcohol.

    There are several risk factors invoiced in addiction and those using drugs and alcohol socially, simply take the risk. These risks are as follows;

    Tolerance – basically, if a substance is used repeatedly an individual’s tolerance to it will build. This will result in more of the same substance being required to get the same effect. In the long run this can easily lead to addiction and physical dependencies.

    Environmental risks – these can include influences such a peer pressure and stress as well as physical or mental abuse of an individual (particularly as a child). Overall, those who live with frequent pressures and stress are more likely to reach for a substance to cope and are therefore at higher risk of becoming addicted.

    Drug type – it is very well known that certain drugs are simply more addictive than others. Using substances such as heroin increases the risk of becoming addicted for need to ‘chase’ a high as well as physical dependency.

    Drug administration – how a drug is administered can affect its addictive qualities. A drug injected rather than smoked or snorted will release a quicker and more intense high thus making it psychologically (and in many cases physically) more addictive.

    Biological factors – it is now widely reported that being an addict is not only psychological but also biological. This includes your genetic makeup, mental health, sex and age. It is also reported to be 8 times more likely for the child of an addict to become an addict themselves.

    Its believed that addiction is approximately half genetics and therefore some are 50% more likely to become addicted than others.

    How do you help a loved one trapped in addiction?

    The first step is to help and encourage the individual to become willing to accept help. They do not need to be shouting this off the rooftops, but they do need to be willing to go into treatment. There are ways to help someone become willing to get treatment for alcohol or treatment for drugs.

    Set boundaries – set boundaries and stick to them. Once you have laid them out follow through with whatever consequences you have set however hard it is.

    Stop finances – if you are financially supporting someone stopping these finances can be the quickest way for the addict needing to ask for help. With no money to acquire a substance an addict’s options become very limited.

    Intervention – getting together with other family members/friends/colleagues and staging an intervention is often very successful in the fist stage of acceptance and gaining an admission to residential rehab.

    You can’t make them quit, this can lead to dangerous withdrawal. Boundaries are very important in helping someone become willing to get help. Unfortunately you cannot do someone’s recovery for them and without self-motivation it is very hard to make it work.

    The next step is to call our highly trained advisers 0203 955 7700.

    There is a huge range of rehab options available and where to start can be completely over whelming so let us help.