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Help For My Addicted Husband

What This Page Covers show
What to do if your spouse is addicted to drugs or alcohol in England and Wales
The Problem with Living with an Addict
Substance Abuse Statistics
How Addiction Threatens Relationships
Spotting Denial in Yourself
What’s enabling?
Supporting Vs Enabling
How to Help an Addicted Husband: Staging an Intervention
How to Help an Addicted Husband: Setting Boundaries
Free Consultation on Drug Addicted Husbands
How to Help an Addicted Husband: Help4Addiction
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the signs that my husband is an addict?
What are the signs of addiction in your spouse?
How do you support a husband through his addiction?
Should I hold an intervention for my husband?
What is “detaching with love”?
What should I do to help my addicted husband?
Where can I learn about addiction to help my husband?
Should I make him choose between me or the drugs/alcohol?
My partner’s drinking is ruining my marriage, what do I do?
How long will my husband need to be in rehab for?

Last updated on May 3rd, 2022 at 02:12 pm

What to do if your spouse is addicted to drugs or alcohol in England and Wales

If you are supporting an addicted husband, things can get tense. You might not know that they have an addiction, you could be fuelling it and not see the damage. Enabling is one of the worst parts of spousal addiction and comes with its own set of problems.

If you think your husband has an addiction to drugs or alcohol, then the information found in this page might help you deal with it.

The Problem with Living with an Addict

when you are married to someone struggling with addiction, you are often left to pick up the physical and emotional fallout. Given that addiction is a progressive disease that does get worse with time, trying to handle an addicted husband is not simple. Some of the difficulties that have led you to search online for “how to help my addicted husband” include:

  •     Financial Strain – addiction puts a heavy toll on the household budget.
  •     Legal Problems – addiction can lead to theft, erratic behaviour, and even abuse.
  •     Lying – your husband may start lying about where they are going and what they are doing.
  •     Cheating – when you are out of control, you are more likely to cheat.
  •     Social Withdrawal – secrecy is a common trait of addiction. Social withdrawal is the most obvious side effect of this.
  •     Communication issues – if the addicted partner can only think about themselves, communication breaks down.
  •     Aggression and mood swings – addicts suffer mood swings that make them hard to live with.

As you can see, dealing with an addicted husband is about more than just supporting them through their recovery. Supporting them through their addiction is much worse.

Substance Abuse Statistics

Substance abuse doesn’t end well for marriages. Your partner’s behaviour will change over time, likely ending up with them being more aggressive towards you. Every year, 4.5% of adults in the UK experience some kind of abuse at the hands of a partner, and a significant percentage of those are addicts[i]. Studies have linked alcohol and drug abuse with domestic violence[ii], again and again, although it isn’t the only reason why a partner turns on their loved one. One report[iii] suggests that men with alcohol and substance abuse problems are six times more likely to abuse their partners[iv].

How Addiction Threatens Relationships

Almost anyone who has been in a committed relationship or a marriage with a person who has an addiction knows the depth of destruction that addiction takes that marriage. The thing is addiction isn’t always noticeable until it’s too late. Addiction in a marriage may not even be evident at the start; it also:

  •       May not even be a factor at the beginning of the relationship
  •       May develop quickly in the relationship
  •       May seem reasonable while you’re still in the “get to know you” stage
  •       May develop later in the marriage
  •       May have been hidden from you for decades

All of these realisations are devastating to a spouse, and it can also make you feel like you are stuck. You are not stuck. Marriage is not a dead weight, and you don’t have to wait until your spouse has nowhere to go but up. It’s your responsibility to handle your own emotions, here, and you need to remember that while you are married, you don’t have to enable the behaviour. Your part in this marriage is through sickness and health, but it is also to refuse to allow self-destruction on your watch. Of course, you are not your spouse’s keeper, but where possible, you should try to talk to your husband.

Spotting Denial in Yourself

When we are in denial about how bad things really are in our lives, we have a tendency to turn a blind eye. This will make a drug addicts condition worse. Addiction is a disease. There is no getting better over time without dedicated effort and, on occasion, a rehab clinic that can help.

If you find yourself making excuses for a drug or alcohol addicted partner, allowing them to get behind the wheel, or excusing their behaviour to loved ones, you are in denial. Stop it. Stop apologising. Better yet, have a long talk with your husband about how you won’t be apologising any more. Holding an addict accountable to their actions could be all it takes to make them get help[v].

What’s enabling?

Enabling is when you facilitate your husband’s drug addiction, and it can happen whether you notice it or not. Imagine your husband is no longer able to work and you are financing his drug addiction. This is enabling. If you took away that money and he couldn’t use it for his drugs anymore, that would be you setting a healthy boundary.

In a less extreme example, you might be enabling him by allowing him to use you as somewhere he can come to eat, sleep, and recover between sessions. If you set clear boundaries that prevent him from treating your home like a hotel, this can turn enabling into clear, definitive boundaries[vi].

Supporting Vs Enabling

It can be hard to stop enabling so you should first try to notice these behaviours in yourself. Once you have them identified, you can start to correct them, one at a time. However, telling the difference between being supportive and enabling can still be hard.

Think of it like this: supportive things don’t further his drug habit, they further his recovery and his abstinence[vii]. If the support you offer is being somehow used by him to bring him more drink or drugs, then it is enabling. You can be as supportive as you like as long as you are not encouraging his addiction by doing so.

How to Help an Addicted Husband: Staging an Intervention

Planning a meeting between your husband and a circle of friends who care may not always be easy, but it’s the best thing to do to stage an intervention. You need to speak to a residential rehab or treatment centre so that you have a backup ready in case your husband agrees to have addiction treatment. Interventions are usually organised without the knowledge of your husband, and a rehab programme may not be what they initially have in mind afterwards. Intervention meetings need to take place somewhere that your husband can relax.

Where possible, every member of the group should be able to provide instances where his behaviour has been unreasonable, destructive, or just plain misplaced. This confrontation shouldn’t be loud or aggressive but calm. You should expect your husband to deny the behaviour, to try to run away from reality. Stay strong and remember to provide consequences. Some of the consequences that you could include may be:

“You could lose your job if you continue down this path.”

“Your lying is breaking our marriage apart.”

“I will support you every step of the way if you choose to enter a rehab programme.”

Remember: never issue an ultimatum unless you are willing to back it up[viii]. Consequences shouldn’t be threats, but rather supportive statements.

How to Help an Addicted Husband: Setting Boundaries

Instead of allowing any more of the destructive behaviour to impact you, you need to educate yourself. Read everything that you can to do with your husband’s addiction, the consequences, the side effects of rehab, the various rehabilitation options – everything you can get your hands on.

To set clear boundaries for an addicted husband, express what you want in clear and certain terms[ix]. To do this, you must identify what your own needs are and ask your husband to respect these. If he pushes those boundaries while he is high or drunk, then you can fall back to the conversation you had where you set said boundaries and remind him of how he agreed. Be honest about why you set your boundary, too. Above all else, remember that it is OK to say no if you want to[x].

Free Consultation on Drug Addicted Husbands

If you want to chat with someone about how hard things are with your husband or wife right now, Help4Addiction are here for you. We have expertly trained advisers who are ready to listen to you. If you do stage an intervention and you manage to seek help for your addicted husband, contacting us can help find a rehab clinic for him, to progress onto the next stage: recovering from drug addiction.

Help For My Addicted Husband

How to Help an Addicted Husband: Help4Addiction

If you find that you need help with your husband’s addiction, then you need to call our helpline on 0203 955 7700. One of our experts can talk you through the problem that you are experiencing and advise on the right help for you. This is our goal – to give you the support that you need at this time. Addiction is an erratic disease, and no spouse should have to cope alone. Without help, it can be a very lonely and isolated existence. An addict cannot connect the dots

 

[i]https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/partnerabuseindetailenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2018

[ii] https://www.ias.org.uk/uploads/IAS%20report%20Alcohol%20domestic%20abuse%20and%20sexual%20assault.pdf

[iii] https://journals.plos.org/plosmedicine/article?id=10.1371/journal.pmed.1002995

[iv] https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-50887893

[v] https://www.verywellmind.com/definition-of-denial-22200

[vi] https://www.verywellmind.com/enabling-alcoholic-is-not-helping-63297

[vii] https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-is-the-difference-between-supporting-and-enabling

[viii] https://www.insider.com/what-not-to-say-to-someone-with-a-drug-addiction

[ix] https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries

[x] https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-better-boundaries-9-tips-for-people-pleasers/

 

Frequently Asked Questions

 

What are the signs that my husband is an addict?

 If he spends more and more time away from home, is always running out of money, and is willing to drink or use every day, then they probably need help with a drug or alcohol addiction.

What are the signs of addiction in your spouse?

Unexplained absences frequent short illnesses, bad tempers, and an inability to go a full day without drugs or alcohol are all signs of addiction in marriage.

 How do you support a husband through his addiction?

 All you can do is be there. Make your feelings regarding the addiction clear and refrain from enabling them. If they shirk their responsibilities and you take up the slack, you may be enabling them.

Should I hold an intervention for my husband?

 If you husband is an addict, calling his friends and family members together to intervene could be a wise decision. However, an intervention is a last resort. Try to talk to them one-on-one first.

What is “detaching with love”?

This is where you successfully detach yourself from the person’s addictive behaviours so that you do not enable them.

What should I do to help my addicted husband?

If you want your husband to stop an addiction to drugs or alcohol, you must stop enabling them. You can also learn more about their addiction to help understand their position.

Where can I learn about addiction to help my husband?

Here at Help4Addiction, we have plenty of resources you can use to help you get to grips with your partner’s addiction issues. Read about alcoholism, drug addiction, and other subjects, all through our site.

Should I make him choose between me or the drugs/alcohol?

Only if you are prepared to lose him. Ultimatums should never be given unless you are willing to follow through with them.

My partner’s drinking is ruining my marriage, what do I do?

Talk to your partner about a spell in rehab and try not to be judgmental or blame them. It might be extremely difficult given the situation but supporting them will be better for your relationship and for their recovery.

How long will my husband need to be in rehab for?

It can take anything from a few weeks to a few months, even up to a year or two before an addict fully recovers. If you are in it in sickness and in health, you need to take a serious think about how much strain you can take. 

Author

Nick Conn

Nicholas Conn is a leading industry addiction expert who runs the UK’s largest addiction advisory service and is regularly featured in the national press, radio and TV. He has been clean himself since 2009 and has worked in the Addiction and Rehab Industry for over a decade. Nick is dedicated to helping others recover and get treatment for drug and alcohol abuse. In 2013, he released a book ‘The Thin White’ line that is available on Amazon.

Doctor’s View

We still live in a male-dominated society. Women can vote and they have their own bank accounts and driving licences. But that’s about it.

Women are still the principal care-givers to children and elderly and infirm relatives.

Although women tend to be better in running a business (they are more focused on what really matters), men still dominate many professions.

Furthermore, the perceived status of a profession goes down as the proportion of women goes up.

An alcoholic husband therefore puts excessive strain on the woman in his life.

She may have no independent income. Her home is her only refuge. She can’t abandon her children.

And when she asks for help from officialdom, she is likely to be fobbed off with platitudes.

However much they might like to assist, doctors are busy and lawyers like to be paid. Even so, there are state and charitable agencies that can be very helpful.

In simple – almost trite – terms, alcoholics (heavy drinkers, call them what you will) have to be given the consequences of their actions. Otherwise they have no motive to change.

I suppose the starting position is not to cover up the problem. There is no shame in having an illness. This fundamental perception – in all our society – is what needs to change.

Al-Anon Family Groups are the way forward

Medically Reviewed By:

Dr Robert Lefever

Dr. Robert Lefever is a world leading addictions specialist. He is the foremost expert for addiction treatment. He has personally been in recovery from all substances since the 12th October 1984.

He created the first rehab in the UK to look at all addiction in 1986. Dr. Robert Lefever wrote with Professor Geoffrey Stephenson the masters degree course in addiction psychology at London South Bank University, this was the first of its kind and one of the most highly regarded courses that a therapist can do today.

Robert is also a TED speaker, author, composer and still remains an addiction treatment counsellor.
Last Medically Reviewed On: 8/04/2021
Due to be Reviewed On: 8/04/2023

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